The Ho-Ho-Ho-liday Meltdown

Posted on November 28, 2015 by simplygiselle

Key West Turkey

Thanksgiving = thrown into a cement mixer with larger boulders, add desert dry turkey, brain-dead family members that even a zombie would pass up, set mixer on high, pour, and be instantly ready for Christmas shopping… sound familiar?

My holiday has been quiet thus far; simple dinner with my dad, daughter and her boyfriend, (my hot guy was busy saving the town)…after all it’s about the people you care about not forced family fun (for me anyway).

After this somewhat restful holiday, how could it be that I would sit up in bed as though I had been given a defibrillation? The thought of Christmas shopping had set in. What to buy and who to buy for is as difficult as trigonometry or calculus for me (pretty much adding and subtraction puts me over the edge who am I kidding?!).

Make a list of recipients
Cut out half of those people because, seriously, I feel guilty about not buying them a gift, not because I really like them
Make a list of ‘others’ who won’t receive gifts (and then cut that list down to 12) and mail card with lots of glitter, just to be annoying.

Down to about 5 actual gifts to be wrapped…seemingly doable.

The parent: At this point, dad is just two eyeballs and a hat, looking through a mound of 85 years’ worth of gifts consisting of sweaters, shirts, turtlenecks, ties, socks, slippers, puzzle pieces, and smells like Old Spice. (I happen to love Old Spice so that’s the upside)

The daughter: The last two years I have been successful with tickets to shows (Kathy Griffin = HILARIOUS!) but actually opening a gift is a tough one. Clothes? Jewlery? Shoes? Meh. I keep scouring the ‘net for inspiration. She is always happy and thankful for the smallest thing, especially spending time together, which is why I like to put every neuron into a good gift. As you have seen we do activities year round, bigger trips a la Canada, St. Martin, and cruises, indoor skydiving, glass blowing, schooner sailing, etc. so coming up with gifts because it’s a holiday is much more difficult-the pressure is on. She asks for a pony at every opportunity, but a pony would be bigger than her car (so no room), take up all the room in the apartment (still no room), and would be forced to live on Ramen noodles and blue cheese pasta (that’s just priming the poor thing for the glue factory).

The hot boyfriend: God help me please. I have tried everything and it’s never right. It is not that he is ungrateful; I know he appreciates my time and effort; it is just a poor choice of gifts on my part. For his birthday last year I purchased an airplane lesson, complete with flying time in this cool little prop plane for two. Although he is quick to show friends the pictures, it took 8 months and lots of nagging to make the reservation, so it loses something in the gift. A few years ago I bought him an automatic starter for his truck; I returned it because the installation would cause too much interior damage of sorts. Clothes and gift certificates typically don’t get worn or used… he doesn’t have any hobbies… I am at a loss. And I don’t want any lame-o ideas of a ‘coupon book good for hugs, kisses, date night, or massage by yours truly’….put some effort into it please.

Any and all suggestions from my readers will be paid in gummy bears if you can help me not have a HO-HO-HO-liday meltdown (gummy bears will be paid in virtual thanks only).

The 7 Wine-Drinking Rules of Middle-Aged Women

Posted on November 15, 2015 by simplygiselle

Middle-aged women, take comfort that you are not alone. Stop the fibbing and embrace the wine!

Stuff my dog taught me

If you lined up all the middle-aged women who drink one 5-ounce glass of wine each day “for health benefits” do you know what you would have? A really long line up of fibbers!

Middle-aged women drink wine like babies breastfeed – often and enthusiastically.

As with most things in Middle-Aged-Woman World, there are rules that must be followed when it comes to the drinking of the wine. These rules are akin to the regulations for tax deductions. If you want to make the most of the situation you need to know both the laws and the various interpretations and exemptions.

If you are new to Middle-Aged Woman World, let me start by saying “Welcome”. And allow me to begin your education by recommending that you have a Women-Only Get-Together to celebrate the birthday, gray hair, or forehead wrinkle that signified your entrance to the group.

At the Women-Only Get-Together…

View original post 658 more words

Halloween for 31 days!

Posted on October 17, 2015 by simplygiselle

What?! Is there someone behind me?

It’s October in New England, more specifically Salem, so how could Goose and I NOT go and enjoy one of the 31 days of festivities?

That’s right! Be very jealous! The spooky scary (and in this case a bit corny) festivities of Halloween last for the full month of October, and we enjoy every bit of it.

Halloween is our favorite holiday. It’s the mystery, the unknown, the possibility of life beyond and not in the demonic way but simply our energy reforming into something else and lasting forever. Believe it, be a skeptic, don’t believe… we don’t judge, we are all here doing our own thing, and its all good…this just happens to be our thing.

So enjoy are few pictures from the most Halloweenie place in New England…

I made a new friend this day.

“Hmm, you would look like a good add to the recipe…come a bit closer”

Who says you can’t pick your friend’s nose?

And this my friends, is what happens when you misbehave….

Happy Halloween everyone, Happy New Year to those that celebrate, and of course –

Blessed Be.

Honk, Beep, Meep and the Like

Posted on October 7, 2015 by simplygiselle

I am a honking kind of girl; I give my car horn a workout daily. I want to be sure it will be in top condition should an ‘emergency’ ever arise. If I am not supposed to use it, why issue one in every vehicle, right?

Some people frown on honking as it brings attention to them, but really, isn’t that the point?

I give a honk if I am waving you through in front of me and it takes more than three of my hand waves to get your butt in gear. I am trying to be gracious and now you have made my arm ache… go already!

I give a honk if I have to wait more than 8 seconds at a green light and you are hopelessly staring at the light as if expecting a personal invitation be handed to you that it is safe to continue on your mind-numbing journey of life.

If you let me pass in front of you, I give the hand wave of thanks and a quick honk just to be sure you know I recognize your generosity. In these parts, if you don’t give the hand-wave-of-thanks you get the WTF buddy?!! Geeze you are welcome!! And then we take our anger out on the next innocent driver…so do society a solid and just give a quick wave of thanks. Even a half hand wave is acceptable.

If I see geese, turkey, or deer (pretty much any animal) look precariously from the side of the road as if they want to cross to see what is on the other side of the road, they get the honk to warn them to “back up buddy it is not safe, try again later”

Most importantly you will most definitely…without a doubt…get a honk, if, as in this past weekend for example, you are pulling out of the parking garage, stop and park just on the other side of the wooden arm, have everyone in the vehicle get out and change seats (no it was not one of those juvenile fire drills) and then have a discussion at the driver’s door about how the day was. People, there is a line forming behind you and by the looks of it, you are incapable of driving and talking at the same time, otherwise why would you be standing next to the vehicle? HONK!!

And then have the 20-something garage attendant school me on not using my horn because it was not an emergency!!? Oh no you di-int!! Since when does it have to be an emergency to use the horn? He obviously lives in a small town where honking is viewed as a nuisance not the vehicle’s voice. I didn’t give the long foghorn blast, just a quick honk to state; hurry it up ladies we are not getting any younger here and the world does not revolve around YOU.

Are YOU a honk, meep, beep type of person or the recipient of my honking??

My life is 3-5 business days away…

Posted on September 22, 2015 by simplygiselle

(courtesy of the super nice peeps at clipart)

The back story: I placed an order on August 24 for a shredder (because I am a bit overly sensitive and probably a tad irrational about my personal information being stolen) and the receipt I printed stated “shipping in 3-5 business days”. Sound good, I can live for another week without shredding the last 15 years of bills, silly credit card company invitations that think I can actually afford a black am/ex, contracts, and the like (if it’s made from paper and has my name on it = shredded).

A week went by and no shredder. I called customer service and they stated that the order was showing on the computer to ship within 3 days, I should have it by the end of the week. I did explain that the original receipt stated 3-5 business days but the response was, it was back ordered, to which I replied, maybe that information should have been on the receipt or as I am checking out so that I am aware of the delay.

But I am practicing my patience…let’s give this waiting thing another shot! Days go by and still nothing, zilch, na-da, the big goose egg, ok you get the point. I call back and a new lovely woman in customer service agrees with me and she will escalate to the Special Order Liaison who sent me an email stating 3-5 business days (de ja vu). It was at THAT point, giving it the full 5 business days, that I sent the following:

(Sept. 17) Dear Customer Support:

Although I have sent this email directly to the Special Order Liaison, Mr. XXX, I have not heard back that the email was received nor that the order was cancelled. Therefore, I am sending it to you as another form of cancellation. Please take a moment to read below as to the history of this order and cancel immediately:

Mr. XXX

It is now 17 days since my original order of August 24 and I have STILL not received my product!

This is beyond ridiculous. Your note, directly from YOU below, stated 3-5 business days and we are well outside that timeframe. To state that I have been ‘patient’ would be the understatement of the century.

Please cancel my order immediately and I can say with all the confidence in the world, that I will NEVER buy a product from your company and I will be sure to pass along my experience with OfficeMax to all my friends on social media, family, and work mates.

Good day.

Is this what has become of our customer service expectations? Does this happen to anyone else or just me? And if so, am I the only one losing my mind about it or is there an uprising and my invitation is 3-5 business days away?

So not only did I get blown off by the Special Order Liaison with HIS suggested date, I get blown off with any type of acknowledgement of my email and had to go through the general customer support to get a response the following day.

I realize things get held up, companies get bought out, taken over, and there is turmoil, I get it, I am sympathetic and understanding to it. What I don’t understand is the blatant lying to me. If the product was backordered, no biggie, I would have ordered one in stock and continued to do business with this company, easy-peasy. Now that lines in the sand have been drawn, i.e. being lied to on more than one occasion, not only will I never do business with them, I will be sure to pass along my poor customer service interaction to anyone who will listen (hopefully you are still paying attention…hello??).

Unfortunately this is becoming the norm (or maybe it is just my lovely disposition that brings out the best in companies) as I ordered new glasses, paid 100% up front, was told two weeks max and now well over the two week mark, am being told yet another week before they are ready (sigh?!).

Or how about the birthday present I purchased online with overnight shipping only to find out that overnight shipping is just that, only if the order was placed before noon (again, that information would have been helpful BEFORE I clicked purchase or how about maybe at the checkout area??!!). If you order at 2:00 pm, you pay for the overnight shipping but receive it two days later.

I am a customer with small orders but apparently my money would be welcomed elsewhere; challenge accepted.

How YOU doin’ ?

Posted on September 6, 2015 by simplygiselle

Midlife crisis in 3…2…1…which means I have to live to 100, otherwise I am late for my own midlife crisis and I hate being late for anything!

Change jobs, check. Cut off all my hair, check. Circa late 1980 aviator sunglasses, check. Hmm what’s next? Love the Mini, so sports car is out. Suggestions?

Although I am more than likely experiencing a midlife crisis, this is ‘technically’ not an Adventure in the Mini category. Goose and I took the train to a 2-hr harbor ride on a three mast schooner and the weather could not have been more perfect. A relaxing sail though Boston Harbor, meeting new people, sharing many laughs, and enjoying each other’s company was an exceptional way to spend one of the last remaining summer days in New England. The memories will last forever and that is what it is all about. Making memories with the ones you love.

Summer is all about beach, boating, and warmth, but my favorite season is autumn – so only a few more weeks and its off to Salem for some w i c k e d fun!

50 Ways to Give the Finger: #9 – The Casual Drive-By Finger

Posted on September 1, 2015 by simplygiselle

This is now incorporated into the DMV guidebook in ‘driving etiquette’. The drive-by finger is must, otherwise you will be eaten alive as ‘prey’ and left for road kill.

NOTES FROM THE BATHROOM FLOOR

The Casual Drive-By Finger This variant of the I Don’t Even Have Time For This Finger is best delivered with a wry smile. Here’s your opportunity to incorporate the power of the automobile into a dismissive Fuck You. The finger is held steady from the driver’s side window as you give the horn a couple of soft toots for emphasis.

What the Casual Drive-By Finger communicates to the recipient: I’ve got better places to go and don’t care to spend another moment in the vicinity of your sorry ass. Hope you have a nice day choking on my dust, fucker!

When to use it: Provided you are confident that the recipient is unable to catch you (either because he/she is stuck in traffic or traveling on foot) , and you’re in your car and have a clear path with steady terrain in front of you, the Casual Drive-By Finger is all yours to administer at will…

View original post 10 more words

Call me Quick Draw McGraw!

Posted on August 23, 2015 by simplygiselle

This is why I don’t own a gun. A decent shot and a short fuse doesn’t mix well and I don’t have the time or money to get bailed out.

It’s nice to see that I haven’t ‘lost it’ as shooting is a perishable skill. The far left was the practice sheet. I was aiming for the head (aim small miss small is what I was thinking). Then I figured why not go for the center mass.

I had never used a hand gun to shoot with so the .45 felt like a small cannon in my hand. The lane distance maxes out at 25 yards which was a bit disappointing but the experience was very cool. Many thanks to F-Troop’s Vanderbilt for his patience and a great idea!

Next time, I am using the Zombie sheet (and not the outline figure as shown above) as I don’t want their rotting flesh and goo to distract me when it’s ‘go time’!