Ambitchous….

Posted on August 18, 2015 by simplygiselle

There is a fine line between a woman ‘standing up for herself’ and being a ‘bitch’. I have yet to find that line but I am sure it exists; more often than not, I get the ‘bitch’ label. For those of you that have said it to my face (on many occasions), you can agree that my response has always been, and will always be: stop kissing up.

I have to say that my super-cranky reaction to a situation is just that; a reaction. I am by no means searching out scenarios in which to wield my highly explosive intolerance for stupidity.

The first (and most repetitive interaction) typically involves me waiting in line and getting cut off, as though I have hit my ‘stealth button’ and instantly became invisible. The millisecond response from me is always an unwaivering, ‘are you kidding me?!” For some reason that seems to startle the offender and wakes them up to the fact that they are no longer on their lonely planet of “I” and must abide by the simple rules of society and it’s strongly recommended guidelines of ‘wait your friggin turn’.

There are times where adults are not pointing out their children’s misbehaving and I have to take things into my own hands. Example: at a college open house for Goose, potential students (17-18 yrs) and their parents are sitting in an amphitheater getting the background on the school and what they offer, finances, etc. and the three young miscreants with their mother were talking loudly and laughing throughout the whole seminar. It was not until the continuously full-blown kicking of my chair, did I spin my head faster than Regan from the Exorcist, and gave my, “are you kidding me??!!” to which the young men horrified, stood up and said they would wait outside. Good call because next comes the pea soup vomit while talking in tongues and no one wants that.

Other times, a good friend needs to have that certain someone on their side, that friend with a bit more bravado then they do. So… while in a Chinese restaurant with my friend (we will call her Shrink because she is one) and her boyfriend were sitting at a crowded bar, I hear a woman complaining to her boyfriend that Shrink is being loud and obnoxious. Really? We are sitting three people away in a packed bar and the only voice you can hear is Shrink laughing and telling stories. Hold the phone and call Oscar Goldman because a new Jaime Sommers is in town! (that’s a late 70’s reference for you kiddos) but I digress. I walked over to her and called her out on it, citing the fact that it’s a loud bar and there is no way she should be calling my friend names without provocation. As she turned to her boyfriend and started to curse about me, I kindly noted that I was not using profanity in any way and name calling wasn’t necessary… just apologize to my friend. The boyfriend stood up (a good 6 inches taller than me) and became aggressive to which I stood my ground and said that he was not part of the conversation, I was talking to his foul mouthed girlfriend. He then called me a bitch (yes I had to say, stop kissing up, it’s a natural reaction) and then he poked me in the shoulder a few times. I nicely reminded him that unwanted poking is considered assault and that seemed to warrant him screaming me a few other choice words but stopped the poking. No better way to show your pea-sized brain than to scream profanities; boring, yawn, over it.

So you see, I have been mislabeled and misunderstood my whole life. I will not be walked on or overlooked. I demand as much space in this world as the big jerks that seem to be taking over.

(P.S. if you know to whom I owe credit for this awesome intro picture please let me know!)

Look at me, I am flying!

Posted on March 10, 2015 by simplygiselle

Go big or go home. If I cannot fail– I want to fly. Not in an airplane, or a light craft, or with some other device, I want to truly fly…I want the force of the air to hold me up. I don’t care if it’s a simply as sticking my arms out like a plane, flapping them like a bird, or take a running start to lift off, I want to fly.

The closest to this feeling I have ever experienced is being on super huge swing – the feeling of zero gravity at that pivotal moment, the breeze blowing through my hair, my eyes tearing from the force of the wind and then looking up at the sky as if I were just mere inches away to touch it…

Flying is the one thing we cannot experience, no wholeheartedly anyway. We swim with the fishes and yes we need to come up for air here and there but we still swim. But fly?! Not only are we not built to fly (aerodynamically), Mother Nature did not equip us with an internal gyroscope necessary to navigate the 3 dimensional aerial world.

Something like a wish or a superpower, but hey, I didn’t come up with the daily question and there are no stipulations.

In response to today’s question: Tell us about something you would attempt if you were guaranteed not to fail.

(tutle photo: gchewlin.blogspot.com)

Good thing there was sparkling wine

Posted on March 8, 2015 by simplygiselle

Groupon, you have once again forced me out of my square and push me into a parallelogram instead; for that I should thank you.

Goose and I spend a few hours at Luke Adams’s Glass Blowing Shop and not only learned a little about glass manipulation but ended with a wearable piece of jewelry. Of course not without me first becoming stressed about which piece to make…earrings (post or dangling), bracelet (cuff or beaded), wine stopper, key chain… too many choices …and as the clock is ticking, a decision have to be made. I settle on the necklace, only to face my next mountain of artistic decisions, color, shape, size… curse you Groupon and your ‘Things to Do’ suggestions!!

Goose reminds me that this is supposed to be ‘fun’. Ok, deep cleansing breath, let’s see how much ‘fun’ we can have without checking me into the psych ward just a few blocks away. All the other ladies seem to be doing this with ease, laughing, creating, just another ‘Martha Stewart’ day for them…a few pieces of colored glass and voila, a stained glass window scene of Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel (awesome, heavy sigh).

Another deep cleansing breath, no pressure, this is not a competition, it’s a fun day out with my daughter, spending time with one another, being inspired and supportive and hopefully look back to remember… who the hell am I kidding! Of course it is a competition! I cannot just look around at the other pieces without feeling some sort of one-upmanship!

I carefully choose my pieces, grab the cutting tools, glue and tweezers and go for it. Cautiously I place the tiny granules of color on the black piece of glass (living recklessly and not using a ruler to be sure they are precisely the same distance from one another) and then was reminded by the teacher that there is not another class due immediately so we can run over our timeslot (thanks but that albatross around my neck, totally not necessary)… and then… that’s it. I am done. Whew.

The instructor pops open a bottle of sparkling wine and says who would like a mimosa? Come on. Who doesn’t want a mimosa?!!

Well I have to say, it doesn’t suck. And Goose? I expected nothing less than a beautiful piece from her, just like her grandmother would do. She creates with 98% grace and 10% uncertainty (math joke) but always turns out wonderfully.

my finished necklace and Goose’s finished bracelet – pretty neat huh?!!

Goose and I visit the animals

Posted on March 2, 2015 by simplygiselle

We drove out to an exotic rescue shelter of sorts. Not knowing what to expect, I was satisfied with the short-version visit; a handling exhibit of a snake, chinchilla, chameleon, skunk, and bearded dragon (not all at the same time). The young lady was thorough, great with the children, and answered my million questions that were on my mind.

As the handler held up the black snake, I burst into my rendition of: “In Africa, the saying goes, ‘In the bush, an elephant can kill you, a leopard can kill you, and a black mamba can kill you. But only with the black mamba is death sure.’ Hence its handle ‘Death Incarnate’-pretty cool huh…” not too many times do I get to quote this particular Kill Bill scene so we missed what the black snake really was. I am sticking with – it’s a black mamba.

In other observations in the room… Goose and I watch the children pet the animals and their faces light up, but one particular toddler-aged girl pets each furry animal or bacterial laden reptile, and promptly puts her fingers in her mouth. It is always interesting to watch other parents and how they can be oblivious (or lazy… I was giving her the benefit of the doubt). On the upside, I guess that is how you build one’s immune system (but ick!).

We then were lead outside, passed the goat (I believe his name was Richard) who liked to escape his pen, (and stood proudly showing off his Houdini talent), to the beautifully relaxed lynx cleaning himself and the two foxes snuggled atop the snow drifts trying to nap, peering at us over their fluffy tails laid across their snouts, and a look of distain, “can you not see we are trying to sleep here, honey you forgot to put out the do not disturb sign again”.

From there we headed into the reptile room (more? awesome!) and was greeted by an anaconda on the right and a 200 lb reticulated python on the left. Fingers crossed they ate recently….::slowly stepping behind the toddler::

And like a magic trick, the tour guide brought us to yet another room full of mammals; lemurs, a crowned crane, turtles and tortoises, two wallabies, a kookaburra (yes you read that correctly-the bird that sits in the old gum tree, king of the bush is he… and all that), porcupines, owls, rabbits, and more…

Stay tuned for the next Adventures in the MiniCooper!

The Scarlet Snowflake

Posted on February 22, 2015 by simplygiselle

I fear I am branded with the ‘Scarlet Snowflake’ because of my love of Snow.

I hear the whispering behind my back, the looks of utter disgust when I share my secrets of stolen moments watching Snow quietly fall during the day or through the streetlight’s glow at night. How could I possibly be in love with Snow – he is so selfish and has no care for anyone and their driveway! He laughs at how many layers of clothing you must endure to step outside for just a moments time…yet I know he loves me back, with the frozen smiles I have daily, listening to the Cardinals that only sing their melodious song in the winter or the small animal tracks that I find across the freshly powdered path…

He has not been so timid in his love for me, sharing well over 5 feet of his fluffy dandruff and still looking as clean cut and magnificent as the first time I lay eyes on him. And as the wind blows it is hard not to be reminded of Fabio on his most romantic novel cover…swirling long locks of tiny flakes in all directions and just a hint of a crooked smile.

YES I LOVE SNOW! – There I said it for all to hear !

I cannot contain my feelings any longer!

I am a traitor and outcast, and ready to endure the pitchforks (shovels, ice-filled snowballs…) of the village people! You cannot break true love!

(picture credit: unknown)

Conversation hearts with a twist

Posted on February 13, 2015 by simplygiselle

This is just a joke, not male bashing. Take a deep breath and laugh, it’s funny.

As an educational side note:

History of Sweethearts®

Sweethearts® share a storied history with our legendary New England Confectionery Company- NECCO® Wafers , which isn’t surprising since their inventors share a bloodline. Daniel Chase created the first conversation hearts in 1866 by devising a machine that would press food dye letters onto the candy lozenges made famous by his brother and NECCO® founder Oliver Chase.

NECCO (New England Confectionery Company) is the oldest continuously operating candy company in the United States. It was founded in 1847 when Oliver Chase invented the first American candy machine. NECCO produces its entire assortment of candy at the company’s headquarters in Revere, MA. Popular brands include: the beloved NECCO Wafers, the Valentine’s Day staple Sweethearts, and other iconic brands such as the Clark Bar, Sky Bar, Canada Mints, Candy Buttons, Mary Jane, and Haviland Thin Mints.

(photo found via Comedy103.1 site/origin unknown)

What is behind Door #1?

Posted on February 6, 2015 by simplygiselle

“That” room… This is clearly not Let’s Make a Deal. There is no new car, no boat, no vacation, and not even a donkey with a sombrero and a serape.

My daughter does not like to clean. It’s a fact plain and simple. If the mess it is out of sight, even more so. That being said, I know there is a place in her apartment that even SHE dare not go.

When I see the door that leads to “that” room, it sends shivers through me.

Scenario One: Not unlike the scene from Poltergeist when the closet door opens to the abyss of hell. The only way I will open “that” door is if I have a priest (or little person with a funny hat and big sunglasses to clean the room in a spiritual sense) and a bucket of holy water.

Scenario Two: Opening “that” door could also be a black hole, sucking all of existence through it into another dimension. Stephen Hawking would be afraid to open “that” door.

Scenario Three: Have you seen Monsters Inc.? There is no proof that opening “that” door may not lead to 1000s of monsters and their factory of closet doors to scare children. I am an adult and “that” door scares me.

Keep the scenarios going…. What do you think is behind “that” door.

Reply to: No, Thanks – Is there a place in the world you never want to visit? Where, and why not?

Toxic fumes, tetanus shots, and the Big Wheel

Posted on February 5, 2015 by simplygiselle

While on FB I came across a little dittie that reminded me of the fearless generation from whence I came: the 70’s. If you were born a bit before then, the 70’s were just the right age when the stars aligned and curiosity, fearlessness, and determination joined forces and nothing stopped you.

Kids didn’t use seatbelts, let alone have their own car seat. Your seatbelt was your mom throwing her arm across you to keep you from smashing your tiny flexible skull against the dashboard (which only worked 20% of the time). There were lapbelts but, admit it, pretty lame. And pick-up trucks with an open bed – well now we are talking changing a three-seater into a jamb-as-many-friends-in-the-back-seater! The cargo area of a station wagon? Nope this was actually used as a free for all play pen for the kids. Wrestling, laying down for naps, having a picnic, all while dad tried not to lose his shit driving in beach traffic so you and your brother can eat a sand-wich; literally sandwich filled with sand from your sticky fingers (crunch crunch).

Creepy Crawlers… yes please let me inhale toxic fumes, I didn’t want to ace those bubble tests in third grade anyway. And the plastic glob of goo at the end of the straw that magically turned into a huge balloon? Inhale and residue on my fingers which will inevitably go into my mouth at some point, SCORE! Whoops forgot about the lead paint toys too. Back in the day there was no other way to adhere paint to toys to lead was added and those cute little wooden blocks that were used as a teething device was now dropping the SAT scores by the minute. Ivy League schools are overrated anyway.

Sunscreen was called baby oil back in the day. If you weren’t rocking a golden tan or peeling from a summer’s worth of sunburns you were lame and had the worst summer ever. And if you dared show up with Noxema on your nose to lessen the pain, you got your shoulders slapped to remind you of your burn there as well…. good times.

Games: lawn darts were made of razor sharp blades about 6 inches long and you tossed them 10 yards back and forth at one another with the hopes it will land in the hoolahoop on the ground for points. The company had to completely revamp its design with soft edges because people where getting hurt. Who got hurt with this game? Fess up! You have to be kidding. You didn’t know that when that 6 inch blade came even remotely in your direction that you wouldn’t move out of the way?! That was part of the fun – playing chicken with a javelin! Way to ruin it for everyone.

Helmets and elbow pads are for losers. Learning to ride a bike, roller skate (and later on a skateboard) takes balance. If you don’t get hurt falling off, the learning process takes so much longer. Plus the scars are really cool. Who didn’t ride on the handlebars or on the seat holding on to the driver’s butt (which was in your face and hoping he was a real friend and wasn’t going to blast you with a fart) as balance? There was nowhere to put your feet so your legs dangled and your friend had a bike and you had to walk like a dork so ride-sharing was the norm. Plus there is plenty of room for two on a one-seater, you just have to be creative.

Toss in the Big Wheel (and for you Evil Kineval types the wooden jump plank leaning on a concrete block) and now we are talking some adrenalin. Your friend Sully did it yesterday and you will be damned if he is going to show off that scab alone. Determination supersedes wisdom when you are young.

The adventurous play ground. The days of climbing up inside the ‘metal rocket’ with all its sharp edges, uncovered steel screw tops and nails exposed made for tetanus shots only a doctor’s office can dream of. Don’t forget the 200 degree metal slide against the back of your legs; it’s a beautiful day and that slide has been just soaking in the sunshine for several hours – go metal burn yes! But it didn’t stop you, you shook it off and kept going back up anyway because it was fun.

The special hideaway. Either you had one or your best friend did. It was in a tree house, sitting on a tree limb 20 feet high, under the porch, in a leanto, just some secret place for you to escape the tyranny of your parents or the unbridled beatings of your older siblings. Hiding away for hours was the norm; the police were not called if you were an hour late for supper, you just got grounded. And not the ‘fun’ grounded these kids have these days… TV, xbox, cell phone, all in the room to keep you entertained? Unheard of…you had the old school, sit in your room and stare out of the window at all your friends having fun playing tag or hide and seek while you were missing it. Lesson learned.

There are of course many more… the drinking from a hose and not bottled water, your baseball team losing and not getting the pizza party because “you tried really hard”, the walking to school (in the blizzard uphill both ways) because there weren’t school buses and your family only had one car that dad took to work….

It goes on and on and it was fun. It was a great generation and we learned so much. Please share any ‘good times’ that I may have overlooked.