Ambitchous….

Posted on August 18, 2015 by simplygiselle

There is a fine line between a woman ‘standing up for herself’ and being a ‘bitch’. I have yet to find that line but I am sure it exists; more often than not, I get the ‘bitch’ label. For those of you that have said it to my face (on many occasions), you can agree that my response has always been, and will always be: stop kissing up.

I have to say that my super-cranky reaction to a situation is just that; a reaction. I am by no means searching out scenarios in which to wield my highly explosive intolerance for stupidity.

The first (and most repetitive interaction) typically involves me waiting in line and getting cut off, as though I have hit my ‘stealth button’ and instantly became invisible. The millisecond response from me is always an unwaivering, ‘are you kidding me?!” For some reason that seems to startle the offender and wakes them up to the fact that they are no longer on their lonely planet of “I” and must abide by the simple rules of society and it’s strongly recommended guidelines of ‘wait your friggin turn’.

There are times where adults are not pointing out their children’s misbehaving and I have to take things into my own hands. Example: at a college open house for Goose, potential students (17-18 yrs) and their parents are sitting in an amphitheater getting the background on the school and what they offer, finances, etc. and the three young miscreants with their mother were talking loudly and laughing throughout the whole seminar. It was not until the continuously full-blown kicking of my chair, did I spin my head faster than Regan from the Exorcist, and gave my, “are you kidding me??!!” to which the young men horrified, stood up and said they would wait outside. Good call because next comes the pea soup vomit while talking in tongues and no one wants that.

Other times, a good friend needs to have that certain someone on their side, that friend with a bit more bravado then they do. So… while in a Chinese restaurant with my friend (we will call her Shrink because she is one) and her boyfriend were sitting at a crowded bar, I hear a woman complaining to her boyfriend that Shrink is being loud and obnoxious. Really? We are sitting three people away in a packed bar and the only voice you can hear is Shrink laughing and telling stories. Hold the phone and call Oscar Goldman because a new Jaime Sommers is in town! (that’s a late 70’s reference for you kiddos) but I digress. I walked over to her and called her out on it, citing the fact that it’s a loud bar and there is no way she should be calling my friend names without provocation. As she turned to her boyfriend and started to curse about me, I kindly noted that I was not using profanity in any way and name calling wasn’t necessary… just apologize to my friend. The boyfriend stood up (a good 6 inches taller than me) and became aggressive to which I stood my ground and said that he was not part of the conversation, I was talking to his foul mouthed girlfriend. He then called me a bitch (yes I had to say, stop kissing up, it’s a natural reaction) and then he poked me in the shoulder a few times. I nicely reminded him that unwanted poking is considered assault and that seemed to warrant him screaming me a few other choice words but stopped the poking. No better way to show your pea-sized brain than to scream profanities; boring, yawn, over it.

So you see, I have been mislabeled and misunderstood my whole life. I will not be walked on or overlooked. I demand as much space in this world as the big jerks that seem to be taking over.

(P.S. if you know to whom I owe credit for this awesome intro picture please let me know!)

Indoor Skydiving Anyone??

Posted on May 3, 2015 by simplygiselle

Never did I think I would step out of my comfort zone for this type of ‘adventure’ but at the same time, I do like to try something new; paradox, right? So time for an Adventures in the Mini segment – bring it on!

What is indoor skydiving? A large indoor vent/fan pushes you upward with I have no idea how many psi. But it must be a whole lot because it can push you 20 or so feet in the air.

After check in, there is a short class on hand signals from the instructor (chin up, relax, legs straighter or bent) to fly more evenly. They forgot to mention ‘tighten up your core and you shoot straight up’. I learned that very quickly and was close to out of reach with the instructor jumping to bring me to back to ‘controlled’.

At that moment I had a Charlie moment from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Faculty – Charlie moves skyward from swallowing too many bubbles from the new drink. Up I flew and laughed so hard I was drooling… no picture… not that I would post it if I had one.

It is a very similar feeling to skydiving without the 10,000 feet fall (and the prayers to please allow the shoot to open).

I strongly recommend you trying it. I have always wanted to fly and this is the close I will ever get to it.

A post for Adventures in the Mini but also fits the category in the Daily Post: Beyond the Pale: When was the last time you did something completely new and out of your element? How was it? Will you do it again?

The Scarlet Snowflake

Posted on February 22, 2015 by simplygiselle

I fear I am branded with the ‘Scarlet Snowflake’ because of my love of Snow.

I hear the whispering behind my back, the looks of utter disgust when I share my secrets of stolen moments watching Snow quietly fall during the day or through the streetlight’s glow at night. How could I possibly be in love with Snow – he is so selfish and has no care for anyone and their driveway! He laughs at how many layers of clothing you must endure to step outside for just a moments time…yet I know he loves me back, with the frozen smiles I have daily, listening to the Cardinals that only sing their melodious song in the winter or the small animal tracks that I find across the freshly powdered path…

He has not been so timid in his love for me, sharing well over 5 feet of his fluffy dandruff and still looking as clean cut and magnificent as the first time I lay eyes on him. And as the wind blows it is hard not to be reminded of Fabio on his most romantic novel cover…swirling long locks of tiny flakes in all directions and just a hint of a crooked smile.

YES I LOVE SNOW! – There I said it for all to hear !

I cannot contain my feelings any longer!

I am a traitor and outcast, and ready to endure the pitchforks (shovels, ice-filled snowballs…) of the village people! You cannot break true love!

(picture credit: unknown)

Conversation hearts with a twist

Posted on February 13, 2015 by simplygiselle

This is just a joke, not male bashing. Take a deep breath and laugh, it’s funny.

As an educational side note:

History of Sweethearts®

Sweethearts® share a storied history with our legendary New England Confectionery Company- NECCO® Wafers , which isn’t surprising since their inventors share a bloodline. Daniel Chase created the first conversation hearts in 1866 by devising a machine that would press food dye letters onto the candy lozenges made famous by his brother and NECCO® founder Oliver Chase.

NECCO (New England Confectionery Company) is the oldest continuously operating candy company in the United States. It was founded in 1847 when Oliver Chase invented the first American candy machine. NECCO produces its entire assortment of candy at the company’s headquarters in Revere, MA. Popular brands include: the beloved NECCO Wafers, the Valentine’s Day staple Sweethearts, and other iconic brands such as the Clark Bar, Sky Bar, Canada Mints, Candy Buttons, Mary Jane, and Haviland Thin Mints.

(photo found via Comedy103.1 site/origin unknown)

Toxic fumes, tetanus shots, and the Big Wheel

Posted on February 5, 2015 by simplygiselle

While on FB I came across a little dittie that reminded me of the fearless generation from whence I came: the 70’s. If you were born a bit before then, the 70’s were just the right age when the stars aligned and curiosity, fearlessness, and determination joined forces and nothing stopped you.

Kids didn’t use seatbelts, let alone have their own car seat. Your seatbelt was your mom throwing her arm across you to keep you from smashing your tiny flexible skull against the dashboard (which only worked 20% of the time). There were lapbelts but, admit it, pretty lame. And pick-up trucks with an open bed – well now we are talking changing a three-seater into a jamb-as-many-friends-in-the-back-seater! The cargo area of a station wagon? Nope this was actually used as a free for all play pen for the kids. Wrestling, laying down for naps, having a picnic, all while dad tried not to lose his shit driving in beach traffic so you and your brother can eat a sand-wich; literally sandwich filled with sand from your sticky fingers (crunch crunch).

Creepy Crawlers… yes please let me inhale toxic fumes, I didn’t want to ace those bubble tests in third grade anyway. And the plastic glob of goo at the end of the straw that magically turned into a huge balloon? Inhale and residue on my fingers which will inevitably go into my mouth at some point, SCORE! Whoops forgot about the lead paint toys too. Back in the day there was no other way to adhere paint to toys to lead was added and those cute little wooden blocks that were used as a teething device was now dropping the SAT scores by the minute. Ivy League schools are overrated anyway.

Sunscreen was called baby oil back in the day. If you weren’t rocking a golden tan or peeling from a summer’s worth of sunburns you were lame and had the worst summer ever. And if you dared show up with Noxema on your nose to lessen the pain, you got your shoulders slapped to remind you of your burn there as well…. good times.

Games: lawn darts were made of razor sharp blades about 6 inches long and you tossed them 10 yards back and forth at one another with the hopes it will land in the hoolahoop on the ground for points. The company had to completely revamp its design with soft edges because people where getting hurt. Who got hurt with this game? Fess up! You have to be kidding. You didn’t know that when that 6 inch blade came even remotely in your direction that you wouldn’t move out of the way?! That was part of the fun – playing chicken with a javelin! Way to ruin it for everyone.

Helmets and elbow pads are for losers. Learning to ride a bike, roller skate (and later on a skateboard) takes balance. If you don’t get hurt falling off, the learning process takes so much longer. Plus the scars are really cool. Who didn’t ride on the handlebars or on the seat holding on to the driver’s butt (which was in your face and hoping he was a real friend and wasn’t going to blast you with a fart) as balance? There was nowhere to put your feet so your legs dangled and your friend had a bike and you had to walk like a dork so ride-sharing was the norm. Plus there is plenty of room for two on a one-seater, you just have to be creative.

Toss in the Big Wheel (and for you Evil Kineval types the wooden jump plank leaning on a concrete block) and now we are talking some adrenalin. Your friend Sully did it yesterday and you will be damned if he is going to show off that scab alone. Determination supersedes wisdom when you are young.

The adventurous play ground. The days of climbing up inside the ‘metal rocket’ with all its sharp edges, uncovered steel screw tops and nails exposed made for tetanus shots only a doctor’s office can dream of. Don’t forget the 200 degree metal slide against the back of your legs; it’s a beautiful day and that slide has been just soaking in the sunshine for several hours – go metal burn yes! But it didn’t stop you, you shook it off and kept going back up anyway because it was fun.

The special hideaway. Either you had one or your best friend did. It was in a tree house, sitting on a tree limb 20 feet high, under the porch, in a leanto, just some secret place for you to escape the tyranny of your parents or the unbridled beatings of your older siblings. Hiding away for hours was the norm; the police were not called if you were an hour late for supper, you just got grounded. And not the ‘fun’ grounded these kids have these days… TV, xbox, cell phone, all in the room to keep you entertained? Unheard of…you had the old school, sit in your room and stare out of the window at all your friends having fun playing tag or hide and seek while you were missing it. Lesson learned.

There are of course many more… the drinking from a hose and not bottled water, your baseball team losing and not getting the pizza party because “you tried really hard”, the walking to school (in the blizzard uphill both ways) because there weren’t school buses and your family only had one car that dad took to work….

It goes on and on and it was fun. It was a great generation and we learned so much. Please share any ‘good times’ that I may have overlooked.

Spooky Salem

Posted on October 30, 2014 by simplygiselle

My daughter and I use to go to Salem, MA every year. It is the mecca for all that are in search of spooky during the October months due to its history relating to the witch trials in the late 1600’s*. The majority of the visit is walking; walking through haunted houses and museums, walking through somber 1600 -1700 graveyards where women and children died so very young, walking through town to see all the vendors sell their wares and jumping headfirst onto the Halloween bandwagon, etc.

The last year that we went, we were walking down a semi-main street as nighttime was falling… checking out the buildings and the fabulously old architecture… when something ahead of us caught our eyes. An older home not well maintained with a farmers porch, a refrigerator stuck in the corner, and a man, a rather LARGE man who could pass for a 6′ football player standing at the bottom of the steps from the porch.

This was no ordinary man; this was Michael Myers come to life! Full-on one piece jumper and perfectly fitting mask. Upon realizing who this large man was, we (what we thought was discreetly at the time) crossed the street and continued to walk toward the house. We were whispering to each other– what do we do? do we keep moving forward? He has seen us! It would be awkward to turn around now… we have to keep moving forward. All the whispering without taking our eyes off him…he stood there watching us. Ever so slowly moving his head… watching us from across the street, walk past the house… and then he started to move, to walk slowly but deliberately, as only Michael Myers would do, down the sidewalk following us…never breaking character, slowly…very slowly following us… the electricity between my daughter and I rose significantly as we tried to keep the scream to ourselves – oh my God he is following us – and quickly picked up our pace. The shrieks were mixed with laughter and many MANY high pitched “oh my God! oh my God! oh my God!” as only two frightened young women can do.

He stopped following us at the end of the street, turned and walked back to the house only to wait for his next victims. Meanwhile, my daughter and I laughed so hard we cried… how that nameless man in his spot-on Michael Myers impression, made our trip to Salem a moment we will never forget.

*Side history lesson: due to changing town lines since the trials, the ‘Salem Village’ where the trials took place is actually present-day Danvers Massachusetts. The current town of Salem is not the original site but is widely accepted as where the witch trials and hangings took place.

Daily Post:

Today you can write about anything, in whatever genre or form, but your post must mention a dark night, your fridge, and tears (of joy or sadness; your call). Feel free to switch one ingredient if you have to (or revisit one from previous trio prompts).

Bugs Bunny, my hero

Posted on October 10, 2014 by simplygiselle

After writing my last post and reading some of the replies, I started thinking of how much things have changed over the years. We touched upon rocks under swings, cuts/scrapes/bruises/stitches are a badge of courage, and the Big Wheel in all its glory leaving road rash for years. Let’s not forget the classics: climbing trees where chunks of wood are too big to be called slivers never mind losing footing and falling 6-8 feet to the ground knocking the wind out of you, or the timeless game of Red Rover calling your arch enemy of the playground to come over whilst taking a ‘clothesline’ to the breadbasket or if you were lucky enough with the timing actually get the kid across the throat to see both feet catch air… ah yes, good times.

Today however, I saw the ‘singing frog’ from Bugs Bunny (got a little peeved) and realized how much we really have dumb things down, wrapped the children in so many layers of bubble wrap and blankets, and handed out one too many ‘everyone is a winner’ trophies for t-ball resulting in the idea of being just a little daring, a moment of ‘what if I…’ is completely out of the question or at least very rare.

Bugs Bunny was, and will always be, an icon to me and many other children that grew up in that era. He was quick with his snarky remarks for any and all occasions, taught us about classical music, opera and ballet (whether you knew it or not), and made sure we laughed the cereal milk straight out of our nose, all while dodging anvils falling from the sky, a crazy hunter with a speech impediment, and a duck more daffy that your Aunt Ida.

As children, we ‘got it’. We knew that anvils would not fall from the sky. That if an airplane lost its engine airbrakes would not stop it from crashing into the ground. We knew stepping on a steel rake would indeed hit us in the head causing little birdies to fly circles around or worse a broken nose. And most importantly, he taught us how laughter can bring us to a happier place no matter how grim it may look.

After all, who isn’t just one wrong turn in Albuquerque away from trying to get to Pismo Beach?